As we pulled it away, his left arm came with it. So we removed the grubby blanket he was clutching around his shoulder. This was clearly (to use the vernacular) Bollox as he was standing in front of us. He gestured to his left hand side, 'I seem to have lopped me arm off,'' he said. We asked if he needed help as he appeared to be a little 'lost'. We were sitting around, chatting idly one day when a big, red-faced farming type hoved into view. He spent three to four weeks on the intensive care unit but lived to tell the tale. In a very English way he said, 'I seem to have a splinter, I think that you might need to remove it'. All well and good had he been unconscious. There was a fence post,В probably 5 inches across, which entered his body just below the right side ribs and exited through the left shoulder. We received a 'red phone' pre-alert that we would be receiving the victim of a road accident who had collided with a fence. Most amazement is reserved for those poor girls who, when the baby is being delivered, claim it isn't 'theirs' and it needs to go back. On manyВ occasions, I have been the bearer of good news.ДЄ large number of these new parents are delighted. It makes us feel all warm and fluffy.В And it can be fairly amusing. Occasionally, these women (often young girls) claim to be unaware that they are 'with child'. Forgive us for stepping aside when we were warned 'you've seen nothing' as he was carried out of the department later.ДЇor various reasons, some women arrive in the ED to give birth. On one memorable evening, a less than savoury character arrived having been involved in a violent incident. Occasionally, people arrive in the ED who have committed, or been victims of, crimeВ (and on occasion have confessed to murder - but that's another story). (yes, for those Agatha Christie fans, it was cyanide!! As punishment, he spent the next few hours dressed in a chemical protection suit!) The partially filled bottle was handed over.В My esteemed colleague opened the bottle, inhaled deeply and stated 'does anyone think that this smells like almonds?' However, that 'intellect' seemed to desert one of our number when a patient arrived in the department after having collapsed shortly after drinking from a cola bottle. We like to think that we are moderately intelligent in the ED. Gluing colleague's shoes to the floor (that was funny!).The raising of the 'dead' (obviously a colleague) - done that!.Wrapping colleague's cars in cling food wrap - done that. Sandwiches sellotaped to the ceiling - done that.

You may think that you can play pranks on one another В I'm fairly sure that we are better. One such person also clearly didn't want to get cold and/or wet and so drove their car through the automatic doors into the department!Д®mergency Department staff like to joke. Some people don't like to walk В some people don't like to walk so much that they want to park the car as close as they possibly can to the ED. He had placed it there to 'impress the girls'. The patient had a large, false, member pushed into his pants.

Sometimes 'it was there' sometimes 'it wasn't!' A colleague was suspicious, she tapped it, a suspiciously solid noise was heard. We were worried В this was not a good thing. There was a large 'bulge' in his undergarments. One patient arrived with a history suggestive of such an injury. Look it up! This is a persistent erection of the male organ. We have also had people attempting to insert small rodent-like creatures into various bodily oriffii (not sure if that's a word but I think you get my gist!) Dan (I have spoken of him previously) fainted! As I bent down to peer at the offending object, the offending object reared up to look back at me (it was a very large worm!) I vomited, Dr. Expecting a minor lump or spot, I asked her to lower her trousers. She had, she told me, something in her bottom. One memorable day, a young lady arrived in the department weeping bitterly.

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